Scott Aukerman and Jeff Ullrich, Our Business Associates
"Scott Aukerman and Jeff Ullrich, Our Business Associates" is the twenty-fifth episode of Hollywood Handbook. Official Earwolf Page Earwolf Synopsis Hayes and Sean dish on their relationship with Kanye during a round of “Snail Mail Roulade” and then give listeners a peek into the inner workings of the Earwolf machine as Scott Ankerman and Jeff Ullrich enter a live negotiation with Hayes, Sean, and their powerful team of lawyers. Notes & Memorable Quotes Pre-Guest Segment * Sean over the theme: "So I go: "Alright, Tay. But if it sounds you're saying 'Chocolate Brain' to me, and it sounds like you're saying 'Chocolate Brain' to her, and we both liked the song before? Maybe you should just fuckin' suck it up and make it "Chocolate Brain"!" * Sean "Someeebody stooopppp meeeee!!" ; "Sssssmokin'!" * If there's one thing you should know about Hayes and Sean, it's that they don't open their own mail. You can get cut! And anthrax.. * Laos is where Sriracha came from. Sean puts it in oatmeal, on hot dogs, a cherry pie, a fish. Hayes puts it on eggs or a potato chip. Sean eats the whole thing after he puts Sriracha on it. Guest Segment * Hayes over the theme: "So.. Jerry O'Connell turns to the waitress uh and ("Uh-oh..") he gives her that look, and he's like 'Listen, toots. I paid for the meal, I'm takin' the plate.' And he just gets up and he walks out with the plate, like a boss, ''dude." "That's Jerry!" "''Like a boss." * The philosophy of the show is like glass (transparencey, you can see everything on the other side). And the existence of the show is as fragile as glass, it could get smash at any time, it'd be pretty dangerous to whoever smashed it, they could cut themselves pretty bad * The two heads of Earwolf are handling the glass. Hoping to renegotiate the contract at the end of their episodic quarter (25 episodes) * Scott and Jeff, the bosses of Earwolf, asked for the proceedings to take place in a dark room with no windows, with some of their thugs around, Engineer Cody and other undesirables they litter the Earwolf hallways with * Sean and Hayes have also brought their legal counsel: Jerry Bradford (Will Hines), self-represented, a mom and pop credentials, graduate of University of Gwelf in Canada. And Ross Fontaine (Neil Casey) from Power Lawyers, a more souless corporate firm, a graduate of Primson, in Southeastern Kentucky at the base of a hill. He is introduced as Ross but everyone calls him 'Russ' for the rest of the show * Someone once told Jeff in Malabu that they enjoy Hollywood Handbook (heretofore referred to as 'Story A') * Speculation about whether Scott has been to Malibu. Jerry wants to know this for the record, they table the topic. Scott would rather not say if he's been to Malabu * Russ cuts to brass tacks and asks what's on the table. Everyone really likes how he is playing the part of a Power Lawyer and his laser focus. Jerry says there's no reason to be so harsh about it, they're all friends here, just like a general store, asking a farmer about the price of a bag of grain. He's very folksy, appealing, and relatable * Jerry remarks how podcast rights are descendant from fishing rights. This topic is also tabled. * Russ advises Sean not to disclose if in addition to hustling they also bustle. Scott tried to trap them. [Editor's note: Sean and Hayes originally wanted to call their project Hustle and Flow the name Hustle and Bustle instead, as stated back on Ep. #014 - Brian Huskey, Our Close Friend] * Earwolf gives the hosts monthly Host Reports. Sean hasn't heard Comedy Boom Boom. Scott is uncomfortable talking about this, so they discuss show X * Show X has X amount of listeners and makes a lot, X amount of money. Scott says X is a 6 or 7 figure number. For X amount of years * If Sean wanted to see this many Xs, he'd go to the Oscars. A lot of the women there he's dated. * To summon Scott to the meeting, Jerry sent a handwritten note with a wax seal, Russ sent a notorized letter with a wiggle logo on the Power Lawyers letterhead. Sean received a Jerry Bradford notice on a piece of bark that fell apart in his hands, Jerry remarks this is how the Native Americans did their correspondance * Each episode costs $312.44. However.. everyone looks at Brett and he's not doing anything. Turning nobs or even having an expression beyond his signature scowl. Russ stipulates that Brett should only be paid when his arms are in motion. Hollywood Handbook has costed about $7000. They have made $0, Jeff suggests they change the name to the Zero Dollar Handbook. Scott hates this name. Maybe the Malabu Handbook? * Jerry gives the show its first quarter ($0.25) of profit! He was planning on using the quarter in a wishing well * Jeff had to sell Rob Corddry an Earwolf sweatshirt for $59 to try and make the show some money * Scott gets mad when Sean calls the Yahoo! Answers service "Friggin' Yahoo Answers." Jerry and Russ move to call it this for the rest of the proceedings * Russ's first offer: $12,000 / episode, first class trailers, more comfortable chairs, snacks, a comfort dog, and handwritten thank you notes. And: Equity, equity... remember, remember what we said Russ? Equity... and 65% equity in a company like Coca Cola * Scott and Jeff didn't even want to invite Sean and Hayes to the holiday party because of the two extra on the headcount. It was $76 a plate! * Jerry's first offer: $15.000 / episode, 100% equity of Earwolf, 1% of Facebook. Coke is old media! And the destruction of two other Earwolf shows of Sean and Hayes's choosing: By The Way in Conversation with Jeff Garlin (now will be called By The Way No Conversation without Jeff Garlin Bye-Bye The Way), and Comedy Bang Bang (Now called Comedy Boo Hoo, So Sad, Comedy Bye Bye, Yeah Yeah) * Scott has a little bit of a problem with going nuclear on his show. Jeff proposes to get Jerry Bradford on their side! He's a great negotiator. Jerry gets a signing bonus of his original $0.25! Russ offers to represent Jerry in the negotiation to represent Jeff and Scott * Russ suggests snacks and comfort dog. Science would say any animal lowers blood pressure. * Sean and Hayes love science! Have y'all seen Cosmos? Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy is not just a dumb idiot who makes stupid shows. He's not a complete moron who just fills the whole world with garbage and hires other garbage makers to trot out his fucking bullshit litter, he's actually a smart science man! AND his singing voice! * Jerry accepts the offer (of the quarter). Jerry's wish with that quarter will be a Liar's Wish, the wish of a betrayer! One that comes true in a way that hurts you in a bad way. * E.G. He wishes for a million dollars, and he gets it, but only because the person closest to him dies and leaves him the money. And he only wanted to enjoy a nice trip with them! * Another example: He gets another quarter and makes another wish that now that person is alive again and with you. And now they're some deformed zombie and you can't get into any nice restaurants! Jerry: "This all sounds fun." Sean "Oh, you like that!? Well then, you're a sicko! And I'm glad you're not my lawyer." * Jerry's offer to Sean and Hayes: $8000 / episode, 50% of Earwolf, 0.5% of Facebook. This offer isn't authorized by Scott and Jeff. * Everyone has conversations over each other to discuss this controversial offer. Hayes and Sean don't know what any of the numbers mean. Russ wants to promote comfort animals. Sean calls his dad for help, puts him on speaker: "Coca Cola!" * Jerry's new offer: 0% of Facebook, 0% of Earwolf. The revenue is tabled (the pay per episode), same table as the Malabu stuff. Brett is fired instantly. Two cans of Diet Coke in the fridge. Wasn't he supposed to take photos? * The Samsung Galaxy Note has such a great speaker phone option. The one that Ellen used by taking the selfie! Ellen did such a big favor to everyone to unite everyone by doing that! * Sean won't take a position on if there were black people in Ellen's selfie * If Sean and Hayes discuss the offer, they lose one of the cans of Coke. They accept!! Scott and Jeff worry they got the bad end of the deal, they gotta fire Jerry. And Brett is fired. Jerry is keepin' the quarter. * Russ gives Jerry one of the newborn Cocker Spaniels in his beat up Cadillac. * Jerry should move to Los Villas! It is blowing up. And is a great way to transition from New York because you can actually walk it! * Scott is now going to host a new show with 7 X's Comedy Bye Bye in addition to his U2 show. * If Russ wanted to see 7 X's, he'd go back to his law school! Well, he guesses they're not there either. * Kentucky is a beautiful state in other areas besides Primson * "Thank you guys so much for listening to the Zero Dollar Handbook" * Jerry just bought a sweatshirt from Rob Corddry for $150 Recurring Segments * Snail Mail Roulade - Showshowbro sent in some mail! :: Dear Uncles Clements and Davenport, :: Boys, you know I respect your opinion, and that's why I'm writing. Thanks again for bailing me out last time.The name "North West" was a real hit. But I'm in trouble again: the wedding is just around the corner and the guest list is starting to dwarf our venue. My beach house is just too darn small! I know that my place isn't nearly as roomy as your Santa Barbara house, but I thought you might have some tips :: From: Kanye :: P.S. Have you seen my Tevas? I think I may have left them there that one time you taught me to throw a spiral. * Discussion of spiral mechanics. Hand on the back third of the ball, fingers lined up with the laces. Hip rotation. When NFL analysts talk about "arm strength" what they really mean is hip strength. Another tip: use a football! * When Hayes and Sean first arrived at the beach house, he was using a croquet mallet. And it wasn't spiraling, it was sort of end-over-ending and clattering on the ground a few feet away. And one time it hit a dalmatian on the butt. But it didn't hurt, it was funny! * Kanye might want tips on how to have a wedding in a big place. Hayes: "Calendar. Calendar." Sean: "Siri, what my schedule!? she replies "Not unless you want hotspacho." * Their Santa Barbara house has Liotta crashing in the Wedding Room, he wanted to decompress after Two Pines (sic, I think he means Place Beyond the Pines). Recurring Jokes * Flyover States - A person in Oregon or Mississippi might say "Snails isn't food, snails is bugs!" Well snails is bugs, but there's also food in 'em. Too thick to understand bugs is food if it's prepared in a French way and a nice way. If they were ever to fly on a plane and go to an interesting country, you will see that they eat all kinds of dishes that are even better than American food like cheeseburgers. * One Eighth Native American - Sean doesn't need to be told that Native Americans communicated via tree bark * Sean's Dad - Sean calls his dad to get some help with some of the numbers being thrown around during the negotiations. He is heard on the show (played by Neil Casey)! * Show Won't Take a Stance - Sean won't admit whether there were black people in the Ellen selfie or not. * Sriracha - Laos is where Sriracha came from. Sean puts it in oatmeal, on hot dogs, a cherry pie, a fish. Hayes puts it on eggs or a potato chip. Sean eats the whole thing after he puts Sriracha on it. Ads * Donate to Earwolf and Brett's Brain (repeat) Episode Photos IMG_4560.jpg|''(left to right)'' Scott Auckerman, Hayes Davenport, Sean Clements, Neil Casey, Will Hines, (front) Jeff Ullrich IMG_4553.jpg|Scott Auckerman, Jeff Ullrich, Neil Casey, Will Hines, Sean, and Hayes in the studio IMG_4549.jpg|Sean, Neil Casey, Will Hines, and Jeff Ullrich in the studio IMG_4519.jpg|Sean, Neil Casey, Will Hines, and Jeff Ullrich in the studio IMG_4522.jpg|Sean in the studio IMG_4542.jpg|Scott Auckerman and Hayes in the studio IMG_4544.jpg|Hayes, and Neil Casey in the studio IMG_4527.jpg|Will Hines in the studio IMG_4534.jpg|Neil Casey in the studio Scott Aukerman and Jeff Ullrich, Our Business Associates